If you are feeling anxious or having doubts in any relationship, it is important that you initiate an open discussion about these fears. You and your partner should speak openly about what problems you're having and what the best next steps for your relationship could be.
If you feel like you have some growing up to do before the relationship can change, taking a temporary break might be a move to consider. If you feel like you and your partner cannot solve these issues on your own, counseling can be a great next step.
Both individual and couples' therapy provide a great outlet to discuss your relationship fears in a supportive, nonjudgmental, and empathetic environment. If you feel like your issues are only surrounding your relationship, couples' therapy is probably the route to try. However, if you feel like your relationship troubles are stemming from bigger issues in your own life, it might be time to try individualized therapy to unpack some of your own life experiences that might be affecting how you're showing up in your relationships.
Relationships are never easy, and it's important to be patient while you are putting in all this hard work. Remember that you have a support system to help you through rough times and that you should be proud of yourself for recognizing unhealthy behavior and taking the necessary steps to fix it.
It's important for people to be understanding and patient with themselves. Want your passion for wellness to change the world? Become A Functional Nutrition Coach! Enroll today to join our upcoming live office hours. Our FREE doctor-approved gut health guide. You are now subscribed Be on the lookout for a welcome email in your inbox!
Main Navigation. Log in Profile. Saved Articles. Contact Support. Log Out. Your cart is empty. Our online classes and training programs allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the world. Explore Classes. Mary Retta is a freelance writer covering culture, identity, sexual politics, and wellness. Expert review by Kristie Overstreet, Ph. Kristie Overstreet, Ph. She is a licensed counselor in California, Florida, Georgia, and Louisiana. She is also a certified sex therapist, certified addiction professional, and president of the Therapy Department, a private practice in Orange County that provides counseling services throughout the United States.
Last updated on January 28, Why we self-sabotage our relationships. Signs of self-sabotage in a relationship:. Not addressing negative emotions. Extreme paranoia. Criticism toward your partner. This might be the best option sometimes.
You left one job because your supervisor treated you unfairly. You were let go from a second because of overstaffing. You left your next job because of toxic coworkers, and so on. These are valid reasons, but such a pervasive pattern could have something more to it. Doubts about your own ability to succeed or hold a steady job could lead you to do things that disrupt your performance or keep you from thriving at work. Have you ever found yourself stalled or stuck when faced with an important task?
Your motivation has completely disappeared. So you avoid the task by cleaning out the refrigerator, organizing your junk drawer, or starting a movie marathon. Procrastination can happen for no apparent reason, but it typically has an underlying cause, such as:. Or perhaps you have a hard time talking about your feelings, especially when upset.
So you resort to snark and passive aggression instead of more effective communication methods. Self-sabotaging behaviors often appear in relationships. You give non-monogamy a try, more than once, but end up frustrated and hurt each time. If you have a hard time speaking up for yourself, you may have a hard time getting all of your needs met. People often set much higher standards for themselves than they do for others.
When you fail to meet these standards, you might give yourself some pretty harsh feedback:. Whether you criticize yourself in front of others or have a habit of negative self-talk , the same thing can happen: Your words may eventually be taken as truth. Believing these criticisms can promote an attitude of self-defeat and keep you from wanting to try again. Eventually, you might give up before you even begin. According to Joseph, self-sabotage happens when you do certain things that were adaptive in one context but are no longer necessary.
In other words, these behaviors helped you adapt to a previous situation, like a traumatic childhood or toxic relationship , and survive the challenges you faced there. They may have soothed you or defended you. But these methods of coping can cause difficulties when your situation changes. The patterns laid down in our earliest relationships often repeat in relationships throughout life, according to Joseph.
At first your supervisor is forgiving and encouraging, but as time goes on and you still fail to be on time, your supervisor gets angry and eventually fires you. You stayed quiet to defend yourself from anger , rejection, and other negative experiences.
Your present situation differs from the past, but it can be difficult to break out of the same destructive patterns. Wanting to avoid failure can lead you to avoid trying. So your unconscious mind might present you with excuses and ways to sabotage yourself. Self-sabotaging behaviors can also develop from your need to control a situation. Some types of self-sabotage provide this sense of control. Take the procrastination example. This can also happen in relationships. Opening up to someone emotionally can feel incredible vulnerable.
Why does it matter that you want to continually end your relationships, even when things are going well? Some of the potential long-term consequences include:. To end self-sabotage, you first need to take a good, hard look at yourself and your behavior patterns. Unless you are willing to be honest with yourself and face all the ways you may have abused or hurt other people because of your fear of intimacy, you are doomed to repeat it. Therapy is the first step many take to end their self-sabotaging patterns.
A professional can help you identify your behaviors, dig to the root of your issues, and find new, healthier ways to behave.
In general, a few things are important to uncover when ending self-sabotage. Attachment theory is a framework that explains patterns of behavior with intimate others. The ideal type of attachment is "secure": This is when people feel like they can trust others and remain a distinct individual, even in close relationships.
However, childhood experiences can lead to anxious, avoidant, or disordered attachment styles. These are the ones that cause issues in adults trying to develop strong relationships and families. The good news: You can work with a therapist on developing a more secure style by facing your fears and removing false beliefs about relationships. In order to overcome self-sabotage in relationships, you need to be able to acknowledge your role in damaging your relationships. No relationship is perfect, but you are always going to feel disappointed if you keep setting yourself and your partner up for failure.
Tackling these problems means that you need to be willing to be vulnerable and recognize your own issues with abandonment and rejection. Fear of intimacy and self-sabotage can remain dormant until a trigger wakes them up. It might be words, actions, or even places. Knowing what triggers your fears will help you either avoid them or work on them so they don't trigger you anymore.
One of the main problems of self-sabotaging is that we behave in the present as if the current situation was the same as one in the past. It can be childhood or past adult relationships. Learning to say, "That was then, this is now," can help you make decisions that are based on the present, rather than reacting blindly based on what happened to you in the past.
One of the hallmarks of self-sabotage and fear of intimacy is the inability to talk about your feelings and your problems. You avoid talking about these things because talking means feeling, and you want to avoid feeling these things at all costs.
Expressing your emotions, your fears, and your needs will not only help you identify the problems but will also help others understand you better. The reasons why people self-sabotage are understandable, so it is important to treat yourself with kindness.
Remember that it's okay to get help. Seeking therapy or simply a kind and friendly ear is the first step towards freeing yourself from self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships. It's also important to work with your partner. Being vulnerable and letting the other person understand this side of you isn't easy, but letting them in can help break those ingrained patterns of self-sabotage. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Your Privacy Rights. To change or withdraw your consent choices for VerywellMind.
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